Heroin Chic is Back, What Do We Do Now?

No, I do not feel like putting a trigger warning. You read anything I post with your own discretion. 

One could say that in the past 3 years or so, or whenever Ozempic became popular (especially amongst celebrities), being skinny is back in style. It does not make sense for bodies to go in and out of style, but listen to what I have to say. 

Scrolling on social media, I see my favorite celebs, influencers, and popular folk that I could give less of a damn about getting skinnier, and skinnier by the day. As I always say, it's jarring to see. Everyone must aim to be healthy, sure, but losing weight purely because of trends? Or how other people expect you to look? Not okay. 

My biggest fear is that young girls will look up to these influential people and place unnecessary expectations on themselves. I have done the same growing up. Younger Gen Z and Gen Alpha grew up with the internet as it is today. Not to say that it wasn't as bad before, with the whole ed tumblr and twitter era, but I digress, it's still not...a good thing. 

This whole new "trend," as one could put it, is beyond strange because did we not just have a whole body positivity movement? I am confused as to why we are going backwards. We all know how harmful the body trends of the 90s and early 2000s were, so why are we setting ourselves back?

Come to think of it, we could be going back due to the rise of conservatism in our country, but that is an ENTIRELY different topic.

But, back to the young girls, it's not just affecting them, too. It's affecting all ages. Genders as well. I have read through countless debates and arguments over this topic. Believe it or not, yes, hold my phalanges when I say this- being skinny is back in style. And it's spreading rapidly. 

I'm not just saying that to be funny. I've begun to notice things about myself as this trend/topic is becoming more popular. I've also noticed how people talk about themselves lately, even my own friends. 

Please, for God's sake (and your own), do not feel the need to change yourself because of what others are doing with their bodies. I have said this countless times before and will continue to say it. I do not care. Love yourself for who you are, for what you have, for what you got. Don't put your body through hell just to fit a certain image. Think about it this way: When thick thighs and fat asses come back in style for the 1000th time, what are you gonna do then? Go get a BBL? Change your body again? And when being skinny comes back once more, what are you gonna do? Change your body AGAIN? Spend so much money to take out that BBL? 

Not to be so blunt, but seriously. PUT. YOURSELF. FIRST. 

These trends come and go all the time. Yes, it may be triggering right now, but don't let it get to you. You are perfect the way you are. Believe me, I'm not the type to lie to your face. 

Before I go, be sure to ask yourself if what you are doing is to satisfy others or yourself. If it's neither of those, then what is it? This can be applied to anything, but it's a critical question to ask here.

Be safe and kind to yourself. 

ann   

Overstimulation and the Fear of Rejection

Grand rising, my jerkoffs!

I hope you guys are doing well. I am...alive at best. Actually, no, I retract that statement. I'm doing alright. However, per usual- I am VERY overstimulated at the moment. 

I have most definitely talked about this before, but when I say my mind runs a mile a minute, I was not fucking lying! 

Ideas flow left and right all throughout my mind. All day. It's amazing but quite literally exhausting. I have so much shit I want to do. But, you may ask: What's holding you back? It's simple: THE FEAR OF REJECTION!!!

Lately, I have been incredibly inspired by my photographer friends to dive into my own work. I miss editing. I never had a true knack for taking pictures, but I do see the beauty in things. Annnd I will stop there because I am now rambling. Getting back on topic- I've been inspired, and I want to do shoots of my own. ...Of myself, duh. 

In addition to that, I've always wanted to make short movies. Nothing crazy, but yes. I also want to get back into art. I want to draw again, but with a purpose. I have so, so, so many ideas, but besides being afraid of being rejected by the masses, I just can't find the time to execute said ideas. I also despise asking for help. The thought of collaborating with my friends sounds delightful, but no one ever seems to be able to make any time for me. Which- is fine, no big deal. I can do 90% of the things I want to do by myself. I just need help- again, executing my ideas. 

There's also this point: I do not want others to think that I am copying them, or that I am not as passionate as they are when it comes to art. Nigga I grew up making art! Let me relax, but still! That is so annoying, and I would hate to be talked about like that behind my back. Then again, I must realize that no matter what I do, someone is gonna hate. No matter what. I could fucking breathe, and they'd be upset. So again, what's holding me back?

My dear God. I need air. I feel like I'm suffocating myself with all of these thoughts, and for what? What is it doing for me other than aging me by 5 years every time I let my anxiety take over? 

I apologize if my thoughts are scrambled. I'm drinking coffee at the moment. I just want people to see my vision. To see what I see. To tell stories through art. To inspire. Maybe now is not my time, but I'm not sure. 

Love ya, 

ann 

Valentine's Day

Good afternoon, my jerkoffs. 

As you all know, Valentine’s Day is coming up this Saturday, and it could be a hard time for some. 

In a world full of hook-ups, month-long situationships, sneaky-links, liars, and cheaters, it can be hard to be single, and that is okay. My greatest advice is to not go out of your way to look for love (platonic or romantic tbh...). The right one(s) will find you unexpectedly- as that may be hard to hear. 

Despite the title, my topic today is not about the holiday itself, but more so, some reminders for those who may be struggling at this time. 

A lot of people say not to take this day seriously. But what they do not understand is that even though it is not that serious, it sucks not to be able to spend that special day with your loved one. Then, if you are someone who has struggled countless times in relationships, the thought of Valentine’s Day may be even more painful. 

I want to say this: do not ever question your worth. You are worthy of being loved and deserving of love. If anyone has ever made you feel such a thing, it’s apparent that they do not deserve you. Do not waste your energy on trying to make that clear to them. They will not listen, unfortunately. 

It is also okay to make mistakes. Love is not linear. Do not beat yourself up because you couldn’t see something sooner. 

Do not crowd your mind with the thought of being loved. Like I said before, it’s pointless to chase it, as...to be honest, you’ll never find what you are looking for. You’ll probably end up finding the complete opposite. 

Do not seek attention. You will not get it. 

Do not keep telling yourself that you will die alone and that no one loves you. My God. If nobody loves you, I do, but DAMN! Let’s change that mindset. 

Prioritize your friendships as they are just as important. Those are the people who will stick by you through hell and back. Don’t discard them for temporary fulfillment. 

This is so fucking annoying to hear, but love yourself! I’m not saying you can’t love anybody else before loving yourself, but honestly...okay, maybe I am saying that. Not loving yourself leads to instabilities within connections, as your insecurities will consistently get in the way. Trust me, I’ve been there! Self-sabotaging sucks! 

Be honest with yourself about what you need. Don’t say you’re ready for a relationship when you are not. Don’t say you’re okay with casual sex if you know you are not. Sometimes it’s better to be alone. It may feel good in the moment, but please, think about the future (not too much). Get your mind right. Make sure you know what you can handle, what you can’t, and especially what you will and won’t tolerate. You’ll end up hurting both yourself and others if you don’t. 

I won’t drag this on any further. However, single or not, I love you all. If you need help, ask for it. It hurts not to be loved sometimes, to not have someone by you. Hell, it hurts not being laid up! It hurts not being able to give everything you have- to express yourself fully. But learn to love yourself and those who have shown you that they appreciate you. You are deeply loved. By my sexy ass, of course! Duh! Be happy! 

I’m kidding, but it’ll be alright. Happiness is found in many forms, not just romantic connections. Remember that. Spend this Saturday taking care of yourself, doing the things you like to do, or even spending time with your friends. Again, it’s gonna be alright. You don’t know what’s coming your way next. 

xoxo, ann!

I Hate Who I See

 

I hate who I see
I thought I loved her 
I thought she loved me 
But, really, I hate who I see. 

I look at her with pure anger 

With hatred 

Disgust 

Man, I hate who I see. 

I wonder if others can see her, too. 

Do they see what I see? 

It’s not a good sight 

I hate who I see. 

She’s hollow 

Like, there’s no one in there 

Just air? Not even!

Lord, I hate who I see. 

She always expects the most 

Why is that?

Does she hate what she sees? 

Doesn’t she know she looks dumb? 

What an embarrassment.

I fucking hate who I see. 

The Noise

The noise, it’s too loud
Always knocking 
Always screaming 
God, the noise, it’s too loud!

I can’t sleep

I try to ignore it 

I try to fight it even 

But God, the noise, it’s too loud. 

My head hurts now

So does my heart

My eyes, bloodshot 

As the noise continues to bother me.

Make it stop

Why won’t it stop

Please, no more 

Fuck! The noise, it’s too loud. 

I want to ask it

May I rest? 

But deep down I know 

It will never listen 

I’m weak and drained 

Lifeless

but it does not care 

As the noise, is still too loud. 

The View From Halfway Down

Today's topic is a bit more sensitive and morbid than usual, so please read at your own discretion.

I just watched this clip from Bojack Horseman, where he was reading a poem, basically about changing your mind as you jump off a bridge- hence the name "The View From Halfway Down". I have never seen this show before, but I have gotten many recommendations from friends over the years to watch it. 

And now I just might. 

This scene moved me. I'm actually crying right now as I'm typing this. 

For so long now, I have contemplated taking my own life. This previous September was the closest I have ever gotten. That may be a lie, but that is something that I'm choosing not to remember right now. 

It is extremely hard to type this right now, so bear with me. 

I listened closely while watching that clip. After it's done, that's just...it. There have been so many times when I was so close, but I instantly changed my mind. One could say that's just pure human instinct, but I don't see it that way. I see it as a blessing. 

Many know that last year was one of the hardest years of my life. Every day, I woke up in pure agony. I did not care about seeing the next day. I did not care what my family or friends would feel. I wanted out. I craved the feeling of being gone. I thought this life had nothing left for me. I sometimes still feel that way, but not to that extent.

I thought that I would never see 20. I thought that I would never see 18. I thought that I never see 16. I thought that I would never see 13. 12. 

Over the summer, my cousin died. I remember finding out how she died and how I felt at her memorial. I felt sick. I don't remember much of her, but I still felt like something was missing. And seeing my family in that much fucking pain killed me inside. What if that was me? I can't deal with that. I couldn't. I'm still shocked today. She was only 2 years older than me, with so much ahead of her. So much. 

But, it led to me having a rude awakening. It's not my time. 

Yes, it hurts, but it can be fixed. Yes, it hurts, but that pain is only temporary. And temporary may feel like eternity, but trust me, it isn't. 

I'm not crying because I am sad. Well, no, I am, but I'm crying because I am still here. A lot of good things have happened to me since September, and I wouldn't have been able to experience them if I were gone. I have gained new friendships, deepened connections, and in all- made memories that I will never forget. I wouldn't have those if I were gone, right?

This is why I try my hardest to be there for people. I don't care if we don't know each other well. If you need help, ask for it. Sometimes, just an ear is good enough to keep me pushing for a while longer. 

Check in on your loved ones. You can laugh at their jokes, but be sure to make sure they are okay. On a random day. You never know what someone is going through. 

Until today, I never considered what the view from halfway down would look like. And I don't want to ever fucking see it.