Burnout

Two posts in one day?? Look at me man! 

I'm just too lazy to write in my diary lmao.

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But seriously, I am burnt the fuck out. I'm starting to lose complete interest in my major. Especially because it's so hard to get a fucking internship. Hell, I'm starting to lose interest in everything. I don't even want to hang out with people. I'm lying. I'm just trying to get over the flu.

This shit sucks. I find myself sleeping most of my days away. I don't know how to cheer myself up. I'm too lazy to go on a fucking walk. Also, because it's cold. 

I think my main issue is that I'm stressing myself out over things I cannot control. People, my out-of-reach interests, some aspects of school... I'm just grateful that school is ending soon. But I still have to FUCKING STUDY!!! And take care of Lucki...he won't stop talking. Such a Scorpio.

God, I don't even want to finish typing this. I wanted to make this more formal, but I don't feel like it. I apologize. 

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Sometimes, I worry that transferring schools wasn't that great of an idea. I love my new school, truly. I just expected myself to change in such a short amount of time to where it's causing a mindfuck. 

I wanted to completely start over. Change every aspect of myself. But, that's not...it's not that easy. And that's something I can't get through my head. I need to relax. Change takes time. 

I have been slacking this semester. I'm so violently disappointed in myself- as someone who was once very organized and a straight-A student. My disappointments in myself are ultimately causing that burnout. A friend told me, shit happens. At least I am TRYING. She's right. 

I think I just solved my own problem, y'all. 

Man, I need a fucking break. 

Oh yeah. Started back smoking. Bummer!

Body Dysmorphia and The People's Response

This is going to be a tough topic today. 

This week's song is Bullshit by The Pharcyde.

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I feel as if no one takes body dysmorphia seriously- especially if they feel like you look great in their eyes. Or already have a set mindset on how someone should look. But what I want you to know is that it's not about YOUR opinion. Just listen and encourage those who show signs of struggle. 

I have been both fat and skinny. I have heard everything under the sun, from "You can't do xyz because you are fat" to "You need a meal!" And still, today, I am not happy with my looks. I don't think that I ever truly will. 

Sure, I have always had a nice shape despite my weight. But hearing rude comments about my body growing up has permanently altered how I feel about myself. Sometimes I think that just because I'm grown, I need to let go of the past and learn to be comfortable with myself. To an extent, this is true. I do need to be more comfortable with myself. But my age does not play a part in this. 

Recently, things have been...getting worse for me. My body has changed a bit since last year- even worse than freshman year. And I'm upset. I tend to look back at old photos of myself from then and end up ragebaiting myself into pure anger and misery. Sometimes, I even compare myself to people (especially those I'm really not supposed to be thinking about...)to make things worse.

I give subtle hints to my friends that I feel awful. And how do they respond? By shutting me down. I don't like that. Even when I point out other things I don't like about myself, their response to me- while kind, sounds like "Girl, shut up!!" 

That shit blows. I just want to be able to express my feelings without feeling like an idiot. Maybe I am. But my feelings are also valid. I have been through a lot. I'm still going through a lot. 

I refuse to go more in-depth about my body dysmorphia, because I have no idea who's reading this shit, and due to the simple fact, it's kind of none of your business. My point today is, just be mindful. Just try to understand. I, too, find myself doing the same thing I despise in people because they have my dream body. But I want to change that aspect of myself. And I expect my friends to do the same. Not for my sake, but for the sake of others who are experiencing similar feelings. 

Thank ya, love ya. 

Bound By Nostalgia

Before I say anything else, I want to clarify that this is not targeting any of my current friendships or romantic relationships. This is also not advice, as I am not a licensed psychologist, so just think instead of doing after reading. 

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Lately, I have been doing a lot of thinking. I wonder if some friendships are bound by nostalgia. And maybe that is true. There's no real connection- just nostalgia. The good things of the past make the "good" of today, if that makes sense. 

I've also wondered this about those who are still in close contact with their exes. One of you, sometimes, both of you, is still so stuck in the past that you understand you can't be romantically together but still close- platonically, of course. 

The thing is, while that sounds nice, it is not. In friendships, you disregard how someone makes you feel because you guys have such a long history together. You feel the need to constantly take them back because you're scared of losing that "sacred" friendship you two once shared. But my thing is, we are constantly growing. And, with that growth, we have to leave some things behind. You need to be okay with that, too. 

I can't speak too much on the exes thing as I try to keep mine at a distance. But I'd imagine that process works very similarly. I feel as if there's always that chance of one of you becoming reattached, then delusional, then acting on that delusion, and inevitably, ruining that connection you tried to hold close. That's a story for another time, though. My initial point about the exes is this: you're only keeping them close because of nostalgia. Not always that thought of "Oh, maybe we will get back together in the future!", no. Just nostalgia. Just history. And like I said about friendships, it's okay to let that shit go. Your story ended a long time ago, so why hold onto it? Let yourself breathe and find new connections despite how bad it may hurt to give up on those you've had around for so long. 

I don't like this feeling. But growth is inevitable. CHANGE is inevitable. 

I hope this all makes some sense; it's been on my mind for a couple of months now.

bye bye

Goodbye October, Hello...Flu?

Good evening, you all. The song of this week is: Living In The Storm- The Pretty Reckless

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I still feel like shit despite 95% of my symptoms being gone now. 

As I've mentioned countless times on social media, I got the flu over Halloweekend. I'm VERY upset. I haven't gotten a lick of work done, and I have an exam on Tuesday. How exciting!! I'm about to lose my mind y'all. All of my professors have been completely understanding, which makes me feel better. 

Anyway, let's backtrack a bit. 

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October 30th, Devil's Night: This was an AMAZING night. Better than Halloween even. I don't remember much as I drank a Four Loko. My two lovely homegirls and I went to a pregame/kickback, which was cool. I don't know what it was- usually I'm able to just talk to people when I'm off that liqqa, but this night I genuinely couldn't. I just stuck to the people I knew. It was kind of eating me up inside. We then all went to a frat party. That was...an experience. I do remember being trampled (won't say by who...) and kissing some random girl who thought I was pretty (crazy because I thought I looked fat that night). My friend and I left early, and I can see flashes of me falling out in front of someone's door. This is where I twisted my ankle. And I still went out the next day, baby. 

Halloween: MOST MID NIGHT EVER!!! Fuck! The only good part was seeing my friends perform in front of the fountain (shameless plug: DirtBag and Yung4Aura). This night I decided to hang out with my homeboys...very interesting time. We couldn't find any moves and I had just missed the deadline for my paper. I was irritated the entire night. Then another friend completely ruined my night. What a fucking flop. So, I came back to my place and binged on Takis, which led to my throat being ripped to shreds by the spices. 

Days later, I progressively got more and more sick. Tuesday, I find out I have the flu. During this week, I wasn't taking my antidepressants, which left me sitting in the dark reflecting on my life and people. I hated every moment of it- so I forced myself to get up and take those meds. Now I'm fine, but that was rough, and I feel as if I'm still suffering from the aftereffects of that. 

Good news, though. I haven't vaped in a week. Will I start back when I get better? Probably. Let's not hope. 

love ya