The View From Halfway Down

Today's topic is a bit more sensitive and morbid than usual, so please read at your own discretion.

I just watched this clip from Bojack Horseman, where he was reading a poem, basically about changing your mind as you jump off a bridge- hence the name "The View From Halfway Down". I have never seen this show before, but I have gotten many recommendations from friends over the years to watch it. 

And now I just might. 

This scene moved me. I'm actually crying right now as I'm typing this. 

For so long now, I have contemplated taking my own life. This previous September was the closest I have ever gotten. That may be a lie, but that is something that I'm choosing not to remember right now. 

It is extremely hard to type this right now, so bear with me. 

I listened closely while watching that clip. After it's done, that's just...it. There have been so many times when I was so close, but I instantly changed my mind. One could say that's just pure human instinct, but I don't see it that way. I see it as a blessing. 

Many know that last year was one of the hardest years of my life. Every day, I woke up in pure agony. I did not care about seeing the next day. I did not care what my family or friends would feel. I wanted out. I craved the feeling of being gone. I thought this life had nothing left for me. I sometimes still feel that way, but not to that extent.

I thought that I would never see 20. I thought that I would never see 18. I thought that I never see 16. I thought that I would never see 13. 12. 

Over the summer, my cousin died. I remember finding out how she died and how I felt at her memorial. I felt sick. I don't remember much of her, but I still felt like something was missing. And seeing my family in that much fucking pain killed me inside. What if that was me? I can't deal with that. I couldn't. I'm still shocked today. She was only 2 years older than me, with so much ahead of her. So much. 

But, it led to me having a rude awakening. It's not my time. 

Yes, it hurts, but it can be fixed. Yes, it hurts, but that pain is only temporary. And temporary may feel like eternity, but trust me, it isn't. 

I'm not crying because I am sad. Well, no, I am, but I'm crying because I am still here. A lot of good things have happened to me since September, and I wouldn't have been able to experience them if I were gone. I have gained new friendships, deepened connections, and in all- made memories that I will never forget. I wouldn't have those if I were gone, right?

This is why I try my hardest to be there for people. I don't care if we don't know each other well. If you need help, ask for it. Sometimes, just an ear is good enough to keep me pushing for a while longer. 

Check in on your loved ones. You can laugh at their jokes, but be sure to make sure they are okay. On a random day. You never know what someone is going through. 

Until today, I never considered what the view from halfway down would look like. And I don't want to ever fucking see it.