Transactional Friendships...in College

Hey,

This is one of the 4 topics I posted on a poll a couple of days ago on Instagram.

Let's start with this: what are transactional friendships?

Transactional friendships are friendships that are based on mutual benefit, rather than true connection. In this type of connection, people only become friends with others to use them for a specific reason, whether that be clout/quick popularity, advice, favors, sex...the possibilities are endless. One could even say that one of the people in this connection is being used as the "backup friend" (when they're bored), of course, unbeknownst to the victim. 

What people don't seem to understand is that this is a form of manipulation. No, I'm not just using buzzwords...it's the truth. You're telling me that befriending me, acting like you care about my existence, only to use me for one thing, is true friendship? That's fucking ridiculous if you ask me. 

I get upset about these types of things because I am the type to put a lot of effort into my friendships- even if they did start off as "transactional". And while I no longer expect reciprocation, I demand at least a bit of respect. I won't lie about that. I've done weird things, too. You grow and learn, though. 

I've noticed that these types of friendships are a big thing amongst college students, and I'm not sure why. Now, before I go any further, I will say this: some people in your life have a certain purpose. You have the people that you (only) study or work with, party/drink with, etc., etc. I've come across countless connections like this, and I don't mind that at all. I consider those types of connections as "acquaintances"...as they should be. Nothing more, right? 

But, where it gets toxic is the befriending part- as I've mentioned before. 

Here's a scenario: You meet a person. After speaking with them a couple of times through social media, you realize that they are good at giving advice, and you want more of that. You don't always ask them for advice, though, as you are trying to make them more comfortable speaking to you. However, when things get bad, you run straight to this person. Venting your heart out- expecting help. BUT! When the other person tries to do the same to you, you ghost them. You don't attempt to make them feel better as they've done unto you countless times. Even if you are not the type to be able to give advice, you don't set that boundary. You just...leave, because you already got what you wanted. 

Okay, to be honest, that was probably not the best scenario to use, especially with what I'm about to say next, but it is one of the more "hidden" forms of manipulation. 

Imagine the person that you're using to benefit you comes to a realization about what you're doing. They feel hurt, betrayed, even. Then, when you need help, they aren't there anymore. You got ghosted just like you did them. Sucks, right?

This is why it's important to be honest about what you want. Now look, I'm not saying go up to somebody and be like, "I'm only using you for help with homework" or, "I only need you for advice about my boy problems." Girl. Don't be dense. I'm just saying, don't go the extra length to make someone feel a type of way purely for your benefit. What happened to wanting friends so bad? I know that's a big issue amongst college students, too. Why not build a proper connection and then, hell, if they've got something you want, the "transaction" will be mutual and more meaningful because you both care about each other. Does that make sense? Like if I asked my homegirl for something, I don't have to worry about her feeling bad because she knows I'd always do the same for her. 

There's something else I want to talk about, too. I briefly mentioned the word "sex". I will be quick with this because I'm tired of typing and would literally rather talk about anything else (I'm triggered rn). Did you know that people, mainly guys, will befriend girls JUST TO FUCK? Man, that shit is so nuts to me. Just tell me you need that off the bat and leave my kind and wonderful heart out of it!!

Anyway, transactional friendships suck. Stop putting people through them. Not everyone is as dumb or naive as you may think, so your bullshit excuse of a tactic won't always work. That sounded so rude, but it's frustrating! I've seen people experience this, I've experienced it, again- I've done this, and I know how it feels. Not too great. 

Build the connection or leave them out of it. You can find what you need in something else. Maybe a therapist? 

with love, ann