I Am More Than My Username.

Bonjour, les jerkoffs!

Spring break has begun, and I am currently stuck in bed as I scroll through Twitter and TikTok (I'm taking an actual break from Instagram). With that, a lot of things have been on my mind. 

I want to be known for more than just my appearance and my online presence. 

It's unfortunate, actually. I feel as if I have so much to give, but no one will take the time to recognize that. Maybe that's not totally true- as a friend recently reminded me that there are people in my life who see me as a cool, wonderful person and friend that mean a lot to them. Those are the people who see my worth and won't take advantage of that. 

Now, that was completely unrelated to what I'll be talking about today, but still makes sense in this context. 

To be honest, I feel behind. I see others around my age who have accomplished so much (and continue to do so), and while I am incredibly proud of them, I can't help but feel the way that I do. 

Growing up, I never had much support. Just expectations. Expectations that made me feel like I needed to be the best of the best- nothing less than that. While not directly expressed, I still feel the weight of those expectations on my back every single day. When I told everyone about the creation of this blog, I was...surprised to say the least. The amount of support and praise I received was, to put it short, amazing. The sweetest memory I have of a friend of mine is when we were both drunk, and I was talking about my blog. He demanded I pull it up, and sat there and read through my posts (now I don't know if he actually did, but it's the thought that counts). I had never felt so much joy. A couple of months ago, people would DM me telling me that they felt inspired to start their own websites, blogs, or whatever the case may be. That's what pushes me to keep doing the things I do. 

However, there are other things that I would like to branch out into, but I'm afraid that I won't receive the same amount of support. Let me make this clear: I am not afraid of jealousy, I am afraid of rejection. I am also afraid that people won't respect me and my "work" because of my physical appearance (not negatively), and or, again, my online presence.

Becoming a game developer is one of my biggest dreams. I want to tell stories, share my creativity, and give something new to the gaming community. 

Another one of my biggest dreams was (past tense because I'm conflicted on this) to become a model. I have talked about this multiple times before. I want to bring something new to the table by pushing through society's norms of being short, on the thicker side, and, more importantly, a queer black alternative. Yes, people have already broken this barrier, but I want to do it MY way. 

Something that was brought to my attention is how people treat Alysa Liu- a recent gold Olympic medalist in figure skating. Holding that title alone is amazing in itself. I aspire to have the world know me for something huge like that, despite the obvious differences in career paths. But, people on the internet are completely ignoring her accomplishments and are reducing her to just being "goonbait". That is the type of shit that drives me insane. We see this happen very often to women- even more so today. Another example is the actor who played Holly in Stranger Things. While I never cared for her character in the show, I will not say that she's a bad actor. She's wonderful, actually. But...again, on the internet, creepy men were taking her photographs and running them through Grok- an AI assistant on Twitter/X to produce pictures of her naked. My point is, there are men out there who treat women like objects, no matter how successful they may or may not be. Even more so towards black women. This is why women must stick together and uplift each other through these times, because it will only get worse.

My point is that when I do find the courage to share my work with you all and the world, when I do find the courage to be the person I want to be, when I do become successful, and when I do receive the praise that I deserve- I want to be respected. No one shall reduce me to being some funny loser on social media or even "goonbait".

What I am on the inside, along with my talents, will forever overcome the perception of me through the lens of a man, or rather, a racist piece of shit.

I am more than just a pretty face and a fucking joke. 

-ann