The Snow

 Well, thank God it snowed. All them damn groceries I got- and STILL managed to forget stuff!!

However, that's not what I'm here to talk about. 

While the snow is nice, pretty, and most certainly peaceful...it reminds me of how incredibly lonely I am. That's something I hate to admit. I hate the feeling, especially because I don't have to be.

After my "fall", ifykyk, I started to reevaluate my college connections once more. I realize that I continuously tend to do more for my peers than they do for me. 

I am sick and tired of asking people to hang out, and then we never do. Then, I see them out with other mutuals. Is there something I'm not being told? I mean, I understand, but I'd rather be told straight to my face, "I don't want to hang out" or "I don't want to hang out with you because...". 

Now, sometimes it is not always intentional. At least that's how it is for me. But as of recently, it definitely feels that way.

What's worse is that I do have people-pleasing tendencies, so I'll just brush it off and pretend everything is ok. But it's not. If you don't want me there, fine, so be it, but do not say "let's do this together!!" and then, when I ask, you hang with others instead.

That brings me to my next point: I almost feel out of place here. I was talking about this with my friend yesterday. My old school felt like a home. A community. The people I met there? I can see those being lifelong friends. Any time someone has a problem, they are straight up with you. Here? No. All niggas do is smile and play in your face (so I've been told!). It's strange. But that just lets me know that not everyone deserves my time or energy, and to DEFINITELY not put everyone who I think seems "cool" on a high pedestal.

I hate feeling this way. It sucks, for sure, but I think I can manage. Loneliness is a whole different thing in college. Again, I'll manage. I'll meet my people here someday. Maybe not. Oh well.